Small talk.

I didn’t know I was an introvert until well into my adulthood. I don’t think I ever really thought about it, and people didn’t talk about it as much when I was a kid.

Mom called it shy.

I could force myself to be around people in professional or social settings, but it was so draining.

And I never understood small talk.

I’d be at an event and look around, and everybody would be in little groups of 2 or 3 or 4 and talking and laughing, and I’d wonder what they were talking about. And then somebody would come up to me, where I was standing alone, and they would say something about the humidity and I’d wish I was in one of the other small groups where they were probably talking about interesting stuff. Except, in reality, they were also talking about the humidity.

I’d rather be home reading a book.

Because I usually ended up in jobs that required small talk and hobnobbing, I learned to respond to the humidity comments with insight and I would say something pithy like, “yeah, you can almost cut it with a knife.” Nobbing hobs required this.

The funny thing is, I really like talking about stuff. But with real friends, and in smaller groups. (Not to be confused with Small Groups, which is an introverts version of Hell, but is apparently recommended by churches to avoid going there.)

For much of my adult life I was a videographer, and I spent many hours ‘filming’ people at events performing acts of extrovertedness. (Nobody uses real film anymore but I use the term filming because it is also inappropriate to say I spent many hours shooting people. Although it may have crossed my mind on the more humid days.)

Anyway, one day I realized that I was using the camera as more than an instrument of capturing Kodak moments. I was hiding behind it. It allowed me to be at these events yet move around with stealth and avoid small talk.

Such was the case at an annual Christian music industry event I used to attend. Until one day they hired someone to do that kind of work and I wasn’t needed anymore. I left the camera home and I felt almost naked at the mixers. I usually ended up finding a friend and clinging to them for the duration of the event.

Maybe you aren’t sure if you are an introvert, an extrovert or a mix between the two…something called an ambivert. Here’s a quick little test:

Introvert Tendencies

• After a social event, I often feel drained and need alone time.

• I prefer a few close friends over a large circle of acquaintances.

• I think before I speak and sometimes rehearse conversations in my head.

• I enjoy deep, one-on-one conversations more than group activities.

• I feel most creative and productive when I’m working alone.

Extrovert Tendencies

• After a social event, I feel energized and excited.

• I enjoy meeting new people and often strike up conversations easily.

• I think while I’m speaking—processing ideas out loud.

• I like group activities, team projects, and being around energy.

• I get restless or bored if I spend too much time alone.

Ambivert Tendencies

• Sometimes I feel energized by people, other times I need solitude.

• I can enjoy both group events and quiet time, depending on my mood.

• I adapt my style—chatty in some settings, reserved in others.

• I can work well alone but also collaborate easily.

• I don’t feel strongly “introvert” or “extrovert”—I’m a bit of both.

Check the ones that are true, and count em up and you will have your answer. I checked all 5 introvert boxes.

I sometimes worry that my introvertedness comes across to others as snobby or stuck up. After church, for instance, I generally beat feet for the exit, shaking hands with a few regulars that I am genuinely glad to see, and I wait for Julie outside. I’m guessing she is more of an ambivert, and she seems to be able to find plenty of things to talk about with people that she isn’t particularly close with.

I put on my sunglasses and check my email on my iPhone. And if the pastor asked us to say hello to “our neighbors” during the service, I replay it in my head and wonder if I did it right.

Funny thing is, I love people. I just don’t like being around a lot of them.

Most people suffer from FOMO…the fear of missing out. I’m happy with JOMO…the joy of missing out.

Parties…no thanks. Dinner with another couple? Sign me up.

If you are an extrovert, I admire you. I seriously envy your skills at parties and wish I had your energy and small talk prowess.

I do enjoy small talk jokes. Like this one:

I’m not much of a small talk guy so on the first date I asked:
If money wasn’t a problem what would you be doing right now?
Her: having dinner alone

I am a failure at small talk and I recently find it more amusing to marinate in awkward silence in those situations.

Maybe it’s old age. Maybe it’s just self-awareness. Or it could be this weather. Have you noticed how humid it is?!