Win Win.

We were in Latvia for the month of August 2014.

Back then, US adoptions were legal in Latvia, and families had to rent an apartment in Riga and spend a month with their prospective adoptee. There were court hearings and paperwork and visits, all part of the safeguards to make sure the adoption was a good fit for the parents and the child, and to prevent human trafficking.

It was one of the best months of my life.

One night we were in our apartment in Old Riga playing a card game with our soon-to-be-daughter Lola, who was 15. Mary was 6 and was watching a movie in the other room.

I wrote about what happened next on our private Facebook group:

Yesterday morning, I got up earlier than everyone as usual, and I was reading an adoption blog. A woman had written an essay about how difficult it was being the little girl in a family...and then another girl joined the family. She said it was ultimately a good thing, but she felt ignored. Blamed for everything bad. Not special.

That was on my mind as Julie, Lolita and I played cards last night. Mary was watching a Disney movie on my laptop - which kept her fairly occupied for two hours. But Phase 10 ran longer than the movie, and Mary started feeling left out. Julie loved on her, but Mary wanted more.

A little later, as we continued to play cards, Mary came over to me at the table and said “Who do you love more...me or Lolita?”

That’s the 6 year olds version of “Does this make me look fat?”

The world slows down. Noises become quieter. The band stops playing and everyone stares at the person about to answer the question.

Of course, I told her I loved both of them. “The same?”, she asked. “Yes”, I said...”you are both my daughters and I love both of you the same.”

Without missing a beat, she said, “Well that’s good. Some people would think that’s bad because nobody wins. But really it’s good, because everybody wins.”

I gave her a hug as I let that sink in.

She’s said some pretty amazing things to me in her 6 years. But I think that’s the best one yet...and the timing was perfect.

I was thinking about that this morning because the world of win-win seems to be in decline.

The theory is I only win if you lose.

I fall into that mindset sometimes.

What if we could work towards solutions, and change our perspectives, so that when you win, I also win?