Marriage.

Eugene Peterson was a theologian, pastor, college professor, scholar, and poet. He wrote more than 30 books, including The Message - a paraphrase of the Holy Bible, which made the Bible understandable and relatable to millions.

He was also married, and in an interview I heard him say once that, “Marriage is the hardest thing I have ever done.”

He went on to say that he liked to think about himself, but marriage required him to consider someone else first. I don’t remember the exact quote, but it was something like that.

He’s also quoted as saying, "Weddings are easy; marriages are difficult. The couple wants to plan a wedding; I want to plan a marriage. They want to know where the bridesmaids will stand; I want to develop a plan for forgiveness".

I would agree with Mr. Peterson. Marriage is hard and a plan for forgiveness is crucial.

I’m not an expert in this arena of marriage.

I failed at one and I am in daily need of forgiveness from Julie to keep my present marriage intact.

I’m glad to say it is on solid ground.

That’s my takeaway from our fourth consecutive State of our Marriage Conference.

OK, it’s not really called that. And it’s not really a conference.

Previously it was a quiet dinner at a nice restaurant. This year, I upped the game and took Julie to Virginia Beach for a couple of nights. Oceanfront rooms in January are really cheap.

Starting in 2023, we’d order dinner and some wine and talk about our goals as a couple in 7 areas: Spiritual, Financial, Career, Intellectual, Fitness, Family and Social. We wrote them down and worked on them, some successfully…some not so much.

This year, I came with two typed pages of questions covering the seven themes above, and more. We didn’t answer them all but they were great conversation starters that helped us talk about things that we don’t generally talk about. I am naturally an “avoider”, so this really is helpful for me.

Before you design where you’re going, you have to define where you are now. I think we all know this in business, but it’s also true in our marriages.

Our only ground rules were: Reflect on the positives and celebrate wins, big and small, so that we could build gratitude and momentum.

A couple sample questions: How did we support each other through a challenge last year? What’s a favorite memory we created last year? Are we putting anything else before us?

Our conversations were personal and private so I won’t go into any details here, except to say that I loved Julie going into the weekend and I love her more now.

I’m reminded that we are on the same team, and we both want this union to be successful. It requires give and take, but a willingness to give more than take. It requires honest communication, and like Eugene Peterson says, it takes a forgiveness plan.

We got the idea for this from some friends, and have modified it to fit our personalities and our marriage. I would encourage you to consider trying it. It’s not too late!

Be honest but stay open and calm. Allow yourself to take in truth. It’s about taking inventory, not judgement.

Go away if you can. Go to dinner if you can’t. Sheesh, just lock the bedroom door for an hour if you can’t even find time or money to go to dinner.

If you want a copy of our questions to get you started, just shoot me an email and I will send them to you. billsammons@comcast.net

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Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

1 Corinthians 13:7 from The Message