Listening.
I had breakfast with a friend yesterday and he shared about a recent outing with some fellow pickleballers. (That may not be a word.)
OK…he shared about a recent outing with some people he plays pickle ball with. (Yes, I know prepositions are not to end sentence with.)
Ahem.
A friend told me a story yesterday morning.
He met a guy who asked him a lot of questions. But what really caught him off guard is…the guy actually listened to his answers. Which prompted more questions. Deeper conversations.
It was so unexpected, so unusual, that my friend noticed it.
It made me think about the lost art of listening.
Do you ever feel that the people you are talking to aren’t really listening? They’re nodding their head, but their eyes tell a different story.
They’re looking behind you to see if there’s something more interesting. Or they’re checking their phone.
Or maybe they’re just waiting for you to take a breath so they can say their next thing.
I can’t stand all three. Yet, I do all three sometimes.
A wise reporter taught me two very important tips many, many years ago, that resulted in better stories and, frankly, better relationships.
Tip 1. After you ask the question, LISTEN. Too many young reporters ask the question, then glance at their notes to load up the second question, and they don’t even listen to the answer.
I have discovered so many interesting things from people I have interviewed because I listen to them. I would often toss out my second question, because I let their answer lead us into more interesting areas.
For example, the dreaded, “Tell me about the song you just wrote” question DJ’s typically ask singer-songwriters.
The songwriter says, “I wrote it one day when I was hiking.”
DJ nods his head, and refers to notes.
Songwriter continues: “That was the day I ran into Big Foot. His feet aren’t really that big.”
DJ looks up from his notes and says, “So how’s the tour going?”
Tip 2: Stay silent if you get a canned answer.
Interviewer: “I’d like to hear more about XY&Z.”
Interviewee: “Well, X did such and such.”
Interviewer: Nods head and waits.
Interviewee: (after a silent pause) “Y and Z didn’t do such and such…and that frankly changed everything…”
Most reporters would have accepted the first answer and moved on. Waiting is more uncomfortable for the person answering the question, so let it hang for a moment and see if you don’t get the real story.
Both of these tips work in day to day relationships, not just for reporters or DJ’s.
When you ask somebody how they are, and you get a, “Fine”…keep looking at them and wait in silence. I guarantee you will get a more honest answer if you really want it. Which, of course is the key ingredient.
If you really care, you will really listen.
Having spent a large part of my career buying salvage trucks, you learn to listen. They call the salvage truck buyer to tell him how good the truck is and how it should be worth more than salvage price. Yet they called the salvage buyer because nobody else would by it. By listening to the misrepresentation and asking questions you eventually figure out the the truth, not that they were forthcoming but by discernment and process of elimination. I was lied to often but it was a game to me and I in a way enjoyed it. Instead of three truths and a lie it was usually twenty lies and a truth. I was good at it. The point is, it required listening.