Christmas songs.

I have never had figgy pudding. Oh sure, I’ve wished people a Merry Christmas and asked them to bring us some figgy pudding, but they act like they didn’t even hear me. I said, “Bring it out here!” And I said I wasn’t going to go until I got some.

But nothing.

Maybe it was because they had been wassailing. And not just in their own homes. They had wassailed all over the town.

I’m not mad. Really I’m not.

In fact, I am jolly. Tis the season to be, don’t cha know.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

Despite all those kids jingle belling on my front lawn.

And all that mistletoeing.

Jingle belling and mistletoeing at all hours.

Many years ago, I was Christmas caroling with some friends and we were singing, “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” and somebody accidentally sang, “God Rest Ye Gerry Mentlemen” and I realized it made about as much sense.

I don’t mean to troll the ancient yuletide carols, but c’mon.

And don’t even get me started on Santa.

Once, in the early 90’s, I wrote an ad for a Santa appearance that aired on our Christian radio station. We got an angry letter from a listener saying we shouldn’t say anything about Santa because Santa spelled sidewise is Satan.

I kid you not. (Even more amazing, it turned out the letter came from the wife of the business owner that was hosting Satan, er, I mean, Santa)

I don’t have a problem if you want to talk about Santa, but can we at least admit it is creepy that he sees you when you’re sleeping?

Perhaps that’s how he knew he could sneak a kiss with Mommy?

Equally creepy is the time somebody asked me, did I hear what they heard? I did not.

I pretended to, just to make them feel better and have some peace on earth. Then we went to Goodwill for men.

I fa la la la la’d, but I did not don gay apparel.